Today I reached a new level of guest-host intimacy when I went to Planned Parenthood for a routine pap and who was there to greet my knees but one of my former Airbnb hosts! I can now update my review to "went above and beyond... and below." Ha!
Before he prodded my cervix Dr. Airbnb prodded my boundaries. A year ago I stayed with him and his wife in a cute bungalow in my favorite part of town. Right from the beginning his presence felt invasive and combative, even to someone from the NYC area. I loved the house, but I couldn't stand to be there when he was home.
As with many times I've initially clashed with someone, the shell cracked and I opened up. He met me there. I learned that as a teenager he'd joined a cult that encouraged aggression. He learned that I'm (overly) sensitive. Over the kitchen island we discussed music, dance, spirituality, psychedelics, relationships, travel, life, love.... By the time I checked out conflict yielded to love.
While it's nice to immediately "click" with someone, relationships that challenge us offer more opportunities for growth. I never set out to live onstage, nor in other people's homes. Heck, I'm an INFP who never got sent to her room as punishment because "a room of one's own" is the greatest gift I could ever ask for. I'm still searching for that room. Sometimes walking around this earth without a shell feels unbearable. I'm not as graceful (or grateful) at I'd like it to be, that's for sure.
In the meantime I'm learning how to be at home in this body, following the road as it's paved, one rainbow block at a time, soul to sole. I don't know where I'm going but with each orbit around the sun I feel less disturbed by this unknowing. Or maybe more comfortable with the disturbance. Less deluded by the knowing. The spirals feel a little less like a ferris wheel and a little more like that gentle hum of the highway... mmm...
Thank you for sharing space with me, and for teaching me how to share it. Despite my resistance I recognize I signed up for this ride a long time ago. And I love it so much. Maybe the crossroads is the cross where we die and are reborn each time we commit and commit and commit.... endless grids covering the earth. Opportunities to move not just forward but toward. To connect. To love. It's right here, always.